#[ been living here for a whole week ]
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i burned the bridges thoroughly but still everyone's trusting me again and i should be relieved but it happened so suddenly (and i know in my heart i haven't earned this, but everyone acts like my concern isn't a problem like nothing is wrong with my very involvement)
but i know how the song ends (x)
#i've forgotten far too often why i even recognize these faces / that don't have names placed with them / inside my hazy brain /#but then / there's too much to begin to touch on here#SASASAP ASS LYRICS. this whole song could be a siffrin (of any flavour) postcanon song should you quietly ignore the chorus#miraloop#in stars and time#in stars and time spoilers#isat#isat spoilers#isat loop#isat mirabelle#isat fanart#lucabyteart#this drawing has been sat in my wips for like 2 weeks+ which is unusual for me. finished it up for the miraloop qpr people since they seem#to be popping off recently. all that aside. HOMESTUCK BEYOND CANON BLAST. BE REMINDED HOW BANGIN THIS ALBUM IS.#this is what the loop GUILT facial expression doodle page was for btw . trying to figure this out. the original caption was gonna be more#along the lines of 'I hate that I'm so cruel. i hate being this way' but it was much too blunt. but secrets live in the tags so
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God of Performance Taemin ft. the cutest audience in the world 🥰 Move on AKMU's The Seasons: Long Day, Long Night (231103)
Bonus: AKMU also being cute
#First off: props to the live musicians. this live remix of Move is everything to me. It's so funky and groovy i love love love <3#i want it stream-able pls give the clean audioo i beg#also to the cutest audience in the whole world: i love you. This video makes me so happy they're all so engaged and energetic#i relate to every person here :P the energy in this room must have been amazing!#he really did get them all to Move 😉#and look at the beaming smile on Taem's face!!! he is loving this soooo much <333#on the ethics of gif-ing audience members... i couldn't resist. I did make a poll a few weeks ago and “it's ok to gif” won the poll...#but only 3 to 2 (5 people voted total lol) so.. you can't really call that conclusive. feel free to lmk if it's not fair to audience!!#if so then i will remove gifset :'))#taemin#lee taemin#shinee taemin#shinee#akmu#kpop#performance#move performance#analook
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#the darkling may live in a thousand moments #i live in this single one right here
#darklina#shadow and bone#alina starkov#aleksander morozova#sabedit#shadowandboneedit#darklinaedit#darklinadaily#otpsource#shadowandbonecentral#shadowandbonesource#jemmablossom#userbecca#shadowandbonenet#dailyflicks#userbbelcher#[ been living here for a whole week ]#[ no other thoughts ]
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some photos from the all the president's men blu-ray features i haven't seen posted before
#its very possible that these have been posted before but i havent seen them so i want them all in one post#many things to talk about here. most importantly. a second angle of the lean in scene has hit the towers.#dustin on the bike has made me wonder if there was originally a scene of carl cycling but they cut it. which would have devasted real carl#btw you would not believe what i went through to get these. it was a weeks spanning saga it was a whole thing#ive learned its very difficult fixating on such an american thing and not living in america#micah.txt#journalism yaoi tag#long post#(← not too long i think but i dont want to annoy people)
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i know ive made myself the #1 izutsumi stan in the eyes of all of my friends and probably some of you online people but what if i became a mithrun stan. there is something about him that compels me. i just want to *clenches fist* put him on the drying rack. lovingly stick him into a tupperware for later. make him into. a broth of some sort. do you understand
#posts that probably look deranged to anime onlies. listen you will understand#i love you vegetable scrap man! wet cardboard man! pathetic crumpled up piece of laundry!#dunmeshi#ok uh manga spoilers in the following tags#the dichotomy of favorite characters...#feral teen girl who always follows all her desires vs damp middle aged elf man who is incapable of desiring anything....#and the BEST thing with mithrun is kabru has to babysit him. like out of anyone to babysit mithrun. kabru is objectively the funniest#but like. seriously the whole. you will gain new desires every day! thing. sobs#i know a lot of ppl relate to mithrun for that. i personally relate more to izutsumi if im being real here#but mithrun still makes me go OOUUUUGHHGHGH THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING TO STRIVE FOR TO KEEP LIVING FOOOOOORRRRRRR#also i like his design. his very specific hair. the fuckin. big shirt over the armor im obsessed with. the missing eye#the way he goes from 200% when he's got the lion in his sights to -500% literally any other time#kabru being like AH POWERFUL ELF MAGE GOTTA GET READY TO DEFEND MYSELF SOME MORE why are u just sitting there. hello#i haven't posted any mithrun art bc i haven't had time to sit down and finish a real piece#but ive been doodling him on any scrap of paper that finds its way into my hands literally any chance i get#the whole weekend i tabled at animzement i just sat there and doodled izutsumi and mithrun in my notebook#im gonna draw him for real tho. soon. im putting in my 2 weeks tomorrow and then i will have more art time
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when I was little I used to play clue with my sister and when I won by being like “okay YOU don’t have the candlestick and I don’t have the candlestick and there are no more cards, so it’s gotta be the candlestick” she would get really mad and tell me I was cheating because I wasn’t supposed to be making assumptions like that and she didn’t understand where I was getting the info from, so I was ruining the game for her
anyways I don’t rly get why people on twt are THAT mad about veilguard spoilers because they do not seem that deep
#dragon age spoilers#dav#da4 spoilers#da4#and my GOD the spoilers are here in the comments too#but like I keep seeing people like ‘I can’t believe they’d just tell us that the blight is organic’#girl the blight’s BEEN organic#‘they said we’re gonna see things about solas’ past!!!!!’#at solas’ house? his house in the fade? where all the dreams and spirits and memories live? groundbreaking#I can see the whole ‘ghilan’nain has been experimenting on darkspawn’ thing as a shock to some people#and I’m not saying you have to read the companion books#but like….. that was established in tevinter nights#a book that’s been out for four years and pretty widely discussed in the fandom#also though the discourse around spoilers for da4 has just been bizarre in general#like idk man I think that BioWare/content creators being like ‘in two weeks there will be spoilers on twt’ is….. decent and reasonable?#and some of the comments are so……. ????#I just don’t think ‘I don’t like spoilers so no one else should be allowed to see them’ is a very hinged take#I saw someone who said that them saying ‘’maybe stay off twt for a minute’#was essentially them telling her that she couldn’t read the news or talk to her family#like WHAT are you talking about#and I think yeah! it is totally your right to not want to see spoilers absolutely 1000% fair#but why are you watching a 22 minute gameplay reveal and expecting it to be entirely context-free???#ESPECIALLY when all the videos have a warning at the beginning about spoilers??#on twt I keep seeing people who are like ‘showing all this stuff about the game in advance is rude to fans and HORRIBLE marketing’#what do you MEEEEAAAAANNNNNNNN
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watching leverage (for the first time, but feel free to spoil things for me because I actually am fine with spoilers) and one thing that struck me watching The Order 23 Job (s2e3) is that it takes the "unexpected side effects" thing that tickled me so much in Going Postal (that speech where Mr Pump explains to reformed conman Moist Von Lipwig that he's actually killed 2.338 people as a consequence of pulling various cons on them) and like... Flips it?
Like there's an entire side-plot in that episode where Elliot notices a kid who's getting beaten up by his dad and goes out of his way to help him, and while it briefly endangers the main con in the end they end up using the stuff they did in the main con to solve the kid's problem to everyone's satisfaction as well. Not only do they fix the problem they went in to fix, they fix like three other problems on their way past as well just you know, since they're in the area.
I don't have a point here it's just like. Narratively satisfying to me. And very wish-fulfillment-y in a very pleasant way given the current News. Like yeah you DO get to have your cake and eat it when it comes to helping people, you CAN save everyone actually, and you get to do it by being very very clever. Moist thought he wasn't hurting anyone with his schemes, but that's because he only looked about two moves ahead at any one time and didn't think about the longer term consequences of his actions. Meanwhile the leverage team are out here playing 4D chess in a hospital and they're not even keeping the money because they've correctly identified that it's not actually the money they want but the thrill of the game.
#leverage#leverage spoilers#(i have a friend who's watching around the same time as me so)#also#gnu terry pratchett#I'm just rambling here but it was a very fun episode and i wanted to gush about it#also also if you know me and you've been keeping track of the snails pace I've been getting through episodes at look#my two ways of consuming fiction are either 1) read a whole novel in an afternoon#or 2) drip-feed it at a rate of about an episode a week here and there for months#i occasionally binge shows but only really when I'm watching with someone else who can goad me into it#and i live alone atm so that's not happening
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Listening to the actual news every morning really inures you to the ‘why isn’t anyone talking about this’ online discount because what do you mean no one’s talking about Syria/the UHC shooting/the drones in NJ those have been the top stories all week.
The only downside is I used to hate when my mom had NPR on in the car and now I’ve 100% become that person, this is like the HGTV/cooking network revelation all over again, I totally get it, I too would sit for an extra couple minutes outside the grocery store until I finished listening to that segment about the origins of the word ‘pecan’.
#look you hit 30 and you realize that home decor videos are fun and an NPR tote spawns in your house#I don’t make the rules#this has been going on for a while tho#when I was living with my parents they watched the evening news every night#and I’d come on here to people being like NO ONE is talking about the OH train derailment#and it had been the top story for the whole week
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why am i so interested in south american cultures and history. and why do i keep stopping myself from learning about them
#no cuz i have a fucking interest in it and its unexplainable idk where it came form#i literally live on a whole other continent way away from south america#i never been to anywhere in south america#i do not have a drop of latinx blood on me i have absolutely no connections to the damn place#but yet i am so interested in whatever the fuck incas aztecs and mayans were doin#about past history and current history#and current countries NOT TO MENTION THEYRE SOOOOO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL GOD#i saw a vlog about brazil and never wanted to visit a country more in my life like holy shit#also i was obsessed with sottr mainly cuz of the focus on the latino civilizations#but from little research ive done it was quite stereotypical and blending the civilisation even tho theyre very different#but okay anyway#i HAVE the interest and yet i dont go let myself research ???? like i literally tell myself no????? no ill do that later ?????????#i have very poor memory retention okay so ig that makes me demotivated but STILLWOUWHABFJ#i remember watching some vids on the topics and trying to learn the damn differences BUT I REMEMBER FUCKING NOTHINGGGGGG#i can barely remember what i have learned in math last (4 weeks ago) like jesus cmon...................#i want to learn but i can barely remember anything FFLOR FUCKS SAKEEEKSGXVAJ#but still I dint think that's a reason for me denying myself and self sabotaging myself here ?????#i guess cuz im not taking it as much of a priority compared to the subjects im doing it + art + art history#which i also fucking suck at btw i am constantly trying to learn sm for art history and i remember. barely anything !!!#i remember i had to relearn the events and everything of ww2 like around 6-7 times and im not joking here#cuz i would not remember anything and now i remmeber it vaguely enough to be able to know some basic facts but no dates or smaller events#ok god my memory retention is shit i think i actually gotta be concerned about that shit#anyway i just wanted to rant except i have absolutely no information or facts to offer whatsoever#rumaiq rambles#writing this whislt listening to a Argentina 70s top playlist and there is absolutely no bad song. i love them all. and that is very rare#especially for me i am picky as fuck with my playlists and music#idk what the conclusion of this is i dont think there is one
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will you shut the fuck up? what if the shit doesn't hit the fan? what if we do make it? what if you don't die? can you have a little hope? just have a little hope
#stop dooming your own narrative and living under that shadow. ffs#this isn't actually vagueing at anyone here this is vagueing at my grandpa bc I've been mildly annoyed all week#that he's SO fatalistic about EVERYTHING. like yeah the world sucks. so what? stop being cynical about it#which is hilarious bc he's the SOFTEST guy ever. he just occasionally goes off on these deeply cynical rambles#in the softest friendliest tone of voice and I'm like. wow. can you maybe have a little hope please???#anyway I'm gonna say this in the tags here bc I have a weird mental block about making a Real Post:#please pray for my grandpa bc his heart surgery went great but he's been diagnosed with a pretty bad form of cancer#so... yeah#prayers for him and our whole family and all of their relationships with God to grow instead of getting worse and etc etc etc#I'm at the OTHER grandparents' house rn and need prayer for OTHER things here but. yeh#Lu rambles#soz for the language I just needed to say this
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had quite the night drive earlier this evening.
#just me rambling again#web weaving#(?)#uh. one of my friends who is out of town for college was visiting and i got to see him and our friends and the only core member of that#group of people missing was my ex girlfriend who you may also know of as my wonderful wife#who has I assume been very busy with their own life things but has also barely and very sparsely had any hint of communication with any of#us within the past few months which I've been realizing very recently sort of hurts my feelings because we used to be so close and#they had been saying that they would be constantly making sure we still were in each other's lives. but then very quickly have#seemingly dropped off the face of the earth#anyways. I was driving aforementioned friend who is in town back home (family home not college obv) and when i was finally going back#towards my house afterwards my Google maps finally lead me to an area that i was more familiar with driving and i got to an#intersection and it was telling me to take a right to go home but i knew that i knew the way perfectly from that intersection to my#ex girlfriend / best friend / wifes familys house from all of the times I've gone that direction through the past years and so#i turned off my directions and i took a left towards their house#not super sure why but my brain and body just knew it was something i needed to do and so i went and drove down their street and cried#a lot the whole time and then drove myself home from their house once again following a super familiar path#and idk im still feeling very emotional about it. the fact that halloween by noah kahan was the first song to play on Spotify#after i made that left turn im sure didnt help (knowing that i miss them so much and am going to be leaving this area myself#soon enough here and there's been an open offer for a while now that they are welcome to follow and live with me once they get their degree#(and also um. halloween is next week lol)#idk i just havent felt the full force of how badly i miss having them in my life until tonight. when i was around this person i could feel#our souls singing in harmony. i genuinely cannot describe the feelings of our relationship in words i feel like only vaguely abstract art#could communicate the connection that was forged between us and the level of understanding and knowing#something not dissimilar to looking into the sun directly or trying to describe a vivid color to someone who is completely blind#something about the way the entire universe breathes in unison and everything around us are all pieces of the same stars#sigh#i miss my wife tails i miss her a lot /ref
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I always get detained at da border because PROFUNC never ended but basically I'm like if a targeted individual didn't even care
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I haven't been involved with coaching for almost 3 months now and somehow I am still getting dragged into the drama.
#personal#move back to your small hometown they said#it'll be fun they said#me chanting over and over again:#if you live here you get to see your family all the time#(this is a good thing for me i love my brother and his family)#dude honestly this whole thing is just hilarious at this point#anyway newest drama is that one of the parents thinks it's suspicious that i 'quit' the same time my best friend moved away#the shit that is being said about us right now??? fucking wild#i haven't told any of those kids why i really left because they don't need me to be gossiping about their current coach to them#that would be so unprofessional of me#i say like she wasn't spreading rumors about me to THEM directly last year#we are all in our 30s here why are we acting like fucking teenagers still#i'm about to be real petty when i go visit next week though#'oh my god you won't believe what i heard crystal is telling people at her salon'#to the coach not the kids lol#i have a sneaking suspicion that the she is involved in this gossip in an adjacent way not directly#and i want her to think about the shit she says before she says it#she's mad that i don't want to coach jv when i told her multiple times i don't want to run my own program#and that i'd be happy to help her out as an assistant coach but that having to deal with parents is my worst actual nightmare#see what's happening right now#literally the only reason i applied is because i love those kids and they were all freaking out about my friend leaving#because they thought their current coach was also going to be leaving#and i was like hey i won't leave you guys don't worry#it's her fault that she chose not to include me in any of her brainstorming for next year#if she really wanted me to be involved she would have been talking to me about it back in april#i'm literally barely pulling myself out of my grief hole about losing coaching#and i could have stayed around but i would have been miserable#because it wouldn't have been in the capacity that i really wanted#oof okay i feel a little better after venting a bit
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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, read at your own risk.
#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea#like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit#and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble#and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal#and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die#and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide#like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif#like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat#is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself#is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills#feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing#actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub#i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad’s local#and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id#if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like#such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just#is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state#by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about#living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the#urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends#and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so#fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i#hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever#bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc#everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m#father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop#i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak
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breaking out into hives gnawing at my enclosure bars i Need to work on my comic again to physically see what happens next
#LUCKILY i get the whole next week off bc we're so ahead from them workin us to death all damn year SO#im gunna try my damnedest and get all the shit i got in my system drawn out nfsw and regular drawings too done this week and then Hopefully#im going to start the next comic section by next week#gunna risk it all bc theres still fucking nowhere to move out to so im gunna get one more update in b4 the end of this year#currently stuck between allegedly making too much to live here and literally every single other place too expensive to move into whadda joy#but whats new pussycat ANYWAY im so ready to start working on concepts for the next scene in wheel bitten ive been plOTTIN#getting to the stage where the visions have been actively sitting in my brain for so long its starting to drive me crazy YEEHAW
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.
#I'm not back yet but I do have cool things happening in my life that I want to scream about so#here I am for a moment!#so first of all#I paid off my mortgage?? like the whole entire thing???#I just. own my whole entire house outright now. no recurring payments to continue living here.#except property tax and like. other bills but YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN#so that was last week#and then THIS WEEK#guess who got a promotionnnnnn#(it's me I did)#got a fancy new title and a raise ayyyy#been dying with work lately so I damn well deserve it too lmao#anywayyyy hi everyone I love you I miss you mean#mine#personal
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